Family-owned or family-controlled businesses are companies whose boards are dominated by the members of a specific family, and families own the majority of businesses worldwide: According to the US Bureau of the Census, 90% of American businesses are family-owned or controlled. The data is around 75–80% globally — though it varies in different sources.
Then, on top of that, you have the businesses that call themselves “a family.” I have heard the term a zillion times throughout my professional life. I used it at least a hundred times in the copies I wrote for my clients at the agency and for the companies, I worked for. Companies love the word “family”. You would find this particular keyword in a variety of content that describes a company’s culture or in internal communications content addressing employees of a company. In fact, if you were given a dollar every time the word “family” was used in a business context, you’d be rich by now.
It’s not for nothing of course. It implies “a special bond” underneath, a kind of mutual care and support at the workplace. It tries to benefit from a sense of belonging that is fundamental to our lives. (There is an evolutionary basis to this actually: We are born into a social context, and we continue to have a deep desire to connect with others and develop our tribes over time. Work is one of those tribes. But, remember, tribes and families are different things.) The businesses want to associate themselves with the happy connotations of the word “family”, happy family memories, or what family is supposed to mean in your mind. They want to “own” our loyalty through the “family bonds” they suggest.
Does being a family make it all OK?
A while ago, a colleague said “If you hear the sentence ‘We are family’ in your workplace, run”. She continued to say that families are problematic and dysfunctional in many cases and that she had had enough of her own family and did not need any more of it. I could not agree more. I have been a member of a nuclear family (defying a culture that firmly believes in large and extended families.) I never had too many relatives around (and I find it a bit overwhelming when there are too many of them because I like being around people that I choose to be and not the ones that were foisted upon me as obligations.) One particular reason that my family circle was so small was my parents. They also thought families were problematic from firsthand experiences and made a choice to make my life as problem-free as possible by keeping a safe distance. I must say that they have proven themselves right many times.
But most of us fall into this “trap” of being a family at work. I call it a trap because, besides the special bond, it also implies something else: How they will expect an unconditional devotion to their business.
Yet, I am not suggesting it is all and always done with malicious intentions and that all employers are the evil witches that are trying to possess your soul. The idea of having/building something that does not resemble the traditional understanding of business intrigues business owners — something that is free of strict hierarchies, something that makes the employees feel “comfy” and “at home”, and hopefully creates a positive culture and boosts loyalty… And they tend to think “family” is the magical keyword that enables it. But it is not — like the ping pong tables and unlimited free snacks are not the key to employee engagement and loyalty. And, sooner or later, things go south.
Just last year, Harvard Business Review published an article suggesting that branding a workplace “family” has toxic effects. A couple of my key takeaways from the article:
- Not everyone wants to connect on a deeper level or create a dependency on an organisation.
- “Family-like” relationships result in an allusion that the bond between two parties will last forever.
- While a family setting can reduce disagreements, emotional attachment can cause some employees to fear a strain in their relationships with their superiors.
- An exaggerated or forced sense of loyalty may result in guilt and/or being exploited by the employer.
- Feedback will always feel personal.
- Family ties can be binding and binding is not ideal if you are aiming to grow.
Fuzzy notions vs clear boundaries
The truth is what binds a business and an employee is an “employment contract”. Being “a business” and “a family” are two different concepts, and I think it is a just random and happy coincidence if you can find lasting friendships or people with whom you enjoy spending time at work or outside of work — but it is not a must. What you need at work in terms of human connections is respect more than anything — respect for each other’s effort, time, dedication, contribution, etc. And that also means clear boundaries for all in between the physical (or hypothetical in case of remote work) walls of the workplace.
The “family” theme, on the other hand, overrides the rules of professional settings and blurs the lines between personal and professional. Sometimes it comes to a point where failures and mistakes, that might trigger larger problems in the future, are swept under the rug to avoid conflicts; lack of qualifications and mediocrity are overlooked though it affects the quality of outputs. When one gets harsh feedback or gets laid off or decides to walk away from the company, hearts get broken, faces frown, disappointment arises, and trust gets shaken. Everything negative brings about an unnecessary amount of emotional burden — for all.
I remember reading somewhere that “Devotion in business is a one-sided romance”. I would add “both for the employer and the employee” at the end of the sentence and it would become a great summary of how I feel... No matter what anyone says: Work is not family and it never will be.
